therapy SUCKS

this is gonna be short . tomorrow i have my first out patient therapy appointment imma be going there 5 days a week from 9 am to 3 pm.. the end of 2018 and beginning of 2019 has been hell i honestly dont wanna do this shit anymore . i dont wanna live and i know that aint healthy mom found out abt me cutting again and this is why im going . im back in a very very bad place in life. cant sleep or i sleep to much. wanna cut 24/7 to numb the pain. and the worst part is is i know i can do it. just have to pick that blade up put it to you’re skin and ….. slice. but i know i shouldn’t, its just alot and im really really fucking nervous about it i dont know how to talk about my issues and myself . it s just confusing. ill update after i go there and come home. wish me luck

see ya fucker – lexxx

toxic relationships

see aside from the daddy issues and mommy issues and the assault and the rape i would have to say… the thing that broke me the most was the 2 people who completely broke me. 1 male . one female . yep you heard it another teenage bisexual blah blah blah. but one thing i know is that this is no phase i was into girls way before i started dating guys. but my sexuality is not the point. lets start where everything started February 14th 2017 i met and went on a first date with my first love Moe. i hadn’t ever been with someone in any kind a way i liked him. he came over march 7th lost my virginity to him and we started dating. it all ended a few months later. now he wasn’t the guy that broke me. he was just the first guy i ever felt love for. we was fucking until October while we was broken up i got pregnant… at 14 lost the baby 3 months and 26 days into my pregnancy no one new abt it till i lost the baby. it was hard but Cheyenne was there. oh yes a new name haven’t heard that one yet have you? ya i wish i never heard it at all. long story short me and her was talking for 2 years and we became closer and closer then fell in love well i fell in love with her and she said she did me but you dont do what she did to me to people you love. she lied she cheated with to many people to count… LITERALLY it sucked and i was so broken.. i loved her and she made me soo happy. but i was use to the hurt the first girl to break my heart was my mom and the first guy was my father. i guess you could say i have really shitty taste when it comes to relationships but shit. it runs in the family. my mom has always been with guys who abuse her and cheat and druggies. but i dont wanna be like my mom . im not , i know when to leave . well maybe i should have left these relationships a little sooner but shit at least im not with a guy who beats me and cheats and goes out and does every drug under the mood and cant go a day without a 18 pack of Budweiser. its been 5 years mom. LEAVE, but she wont this aint about my moms shitty relationship its about mine. now lets talk about something more recent, October 31st 2018 i went to this guy named Dylan house and we just clicked. we had been talking on the phone for hoursssss and i decided i was gonna go to his Halloween get together/ party it was fun my best friend was there and a bunch of cool ass people. got super fucking baked and had hella fun. we started dating and i stayed with him for 2 weeks. the day i had to leave he fingered a bitch i hate named tori and slept in the same bed we was sleeping in with her. i really liked him so it really hurt and we had been friends for like a year before all of this. i gave you another chance because i wanted to believe him soooo i gave him another chance he tried to fuck one of my best friends and was talking to hella other girls . i broke up with him and was very broken inside and very broken i loved him and it just sucked always being hurt. i cut again for the first time sense i lost my baby. over a year . no cutting then i cut 3 times in 2 weeks my legs are beyond yes im really really shitty when it comes to relationships.

see ya fuckers – lexxx

daddy issues,mommy issues,rape? my shitty life

well shit .lets start off where my life went to shit. February 13th 2003. the day i was born i know what you’re thinking . how the fuck did you’re life go wrong a few hrs after birth? well it was actually the day my moms life went to shit .you see my mom had 2 kids before me . Nicole and Haley , Haley was 10 and Nicole was 6 everything was good. my mom came to visit Ohio and ended up having a one night stand with some dude { aka my sperm donor} then she went back home to Tennessee and saw my grandmother who we call nay. my mom found out she was pregnant and ran away back to Ohio to hide the fact because my nay was already disappointed in her for having 2 kids by 2 different baby daddy’s and i would be the 3rd while my mom was only 27. so she kept me a secret, my nay and “dot dot” as they wanted me to call him but i call him Jeff, Jeff is a dick. my mom told my “dad” and i use that word loosely and he didn’t want me because he already had 2 other kids and a wife. so …. i was born with no one there but my mom and her friend and my sisters. nay found out. nay was mad. eventually nay forgave mom. easy. simple .right? ya no not easy or simple… my nay hates me but that’s later on in my story and another blog. after i was born we lived in Ohio for 2 years then moved back home to Tennessee. mom met dad or who i thought was my dad . now ex dad so lets just use his name mark… mom met mark and they started dating and he raised me as he was my dad and my mom and everyone told me he was my dad and i believed them, they got married when i was 6 divorced when i was 8. you see mark was a alcoholic and a pill head . and very mentally abusive to all of us and every now n then physically abusive. when my mom and mark separated they told me he wasn’t my dad …. it hurt … really bad but he told me blood or not i was still his daughter and that made me happy . me mom and Nicole moved back to Ohio and Haley was off to collage . Nicole was a rebel kid with a drug habit so we moved to help her .i wasn’t to mad about the move i always got to go back down there to see mark and i introduced him to Jackie. i loved Jackie she was funny and pretty and super cool. or so i thought. long story short 1 week before i was suppose to go to his house for Christmas he texted my mom and said he has made a new family with Jackie and never wants to see me again. when my mom told me abt it i already knew it was coming idk how i knew but i did .i acted like i wasn’t hurt but i was . i was very very very fucking hurt and it didn’t hit me till i was abt 10. as i was dealing with my dad leaving ,my sisters addiction and my mom out every night with different men because she cant be alone and picks men over her kids 24/7 in the 4th grade i was raped …. for the first time . it was on the school bus me and this way older boy was the last ones to get off and his uncle was the driver .. it started off as bullying then came into grabbing and touching…. he would always tell me i was “very well developed” for my age …. i didn’t understand what was happening but i knew it was wrong. he was friends with my sister and she was always hanging out with him because he lived right down the road . he told me if i told anyone him and his uncle would kill ad do what hes doing to me to my mom and sister.i was in 4th grade … and dealing with a lot and i believed him … so i never told anyone …. he raped me and molested me for a whole school year . i was broken inside and couldn’t tell anyone. i felt no one loved me . and no one cared so i started punching things to cause pain to myself but i didn’t know what self harm was i just knew it helped … was a really shitty time and i think it fucked me up more in the long time than it did then . but ill talk about the more resent issues in another blog . this shits prob really fucking long and i doubt anyone will ever read all of this or any of this but aye. whatever

see ya fuckers – lexxx

you don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own

well i don’t really know how this whole blog thing works and i don’t even really know if anyone will read this but… im sick of keeping all my thoughts in my head might as well type it out and try to help anyone i can. so . let me start my name is lexi im 16 and have a pretty shitty life but tbh what 16 yr old girl in this day n age don’t? i mean mine might be a little extra shitty because of some fuck shit i been threw but that’s a different story well .. stories for a different time, this is just me explaining who i am and what im doing and why , so yea im a depressed 16 yr old girl with a shitty home-life shitty friends and shitty past relationships. i know “you’re 16 you don’t know what love is’ but i was forced to grow up at a young ass age so ya i might be 16 but mentally im fucking 25, which sucks ive felt pain no 16 yr old should feel or anyone at that matter. im so mentally fucked at this point its probably not ok … well i know its not okay before this point for some reason i always thought that i didn’t have mental issues its just what teenagers go threw but its not because what ive been threw is not what most have been threw so yea , im mentally FUCKED and shit just keeps getting worse. oh ya and im a total fucking stoner should probably add that on because a lot of my story’s will involve party’s and getting fucking baked. so if you’re a 40 yr old mom reading this . don’t lmao just don’t. don’t wanna hear about how i shouldn’t be doing what im doing or that i fucking curse to much. well im fucking sorry ill be damn sure to watch my fucking language …mam anyway … welcome to my fucking life . and this is just the beginning